What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

As we all have at least heard, pregnant women are some of the most emotional people in the world.  I'm thankful that I have not been super emotional for the past 8 months.  I've had a few breakdowns, mostly over my ability or inability to care for my baby properly, but it's a rare occurence.  But over the past 8 months, I've compiled a list in my head of things that I will never say to a pregnant woman.  I know most people ask or say things because they care about you (drawing some thoughts from my last post there), but there are some things that should just be kept to yourself :)  Note:  All of this is said in jest.  If you have said one or more of these things to me, you are not on my bad list.  Most things I don't even remember who said them.  This is meant to make people laugh more than it is a rant.  Because I know most pregnant women have heard at least some of these things. 

Belly Size Statements.  I think I get these more than normal because I'm short.  And Josiah has measured a week and a half ahead of schedule since 20 weeks.

1.  Are you sure it's not twins?
Yep, ultrasounds are really good these days.  And I've had 5. 

2.  You know, another one could be hiding behind a kidney.
Really?  A 6 lb baby could be hiding behind a 150g organ.  Seems plausible.

3.  You're not going to make it to your due date.
This one is usually said with such authority that I'm convinced that the person making the statement is a Dr.  Not really.

4.  You're huge!  Or the variation, You look like you're about to pop!
As if this makes anyone feel good.  Coming from my brother isn't so bad, but that's because we give each other a hard time a lot.

I would much rather have someone say, "Oh, it's gonna be a big baby!" than any of the above.

Lies!  These are unique for different situations.  They have been true at times, but at times they haven't.  The short of it is, don't say something to a pregnant woman if you don't think it's exactly true.  We like to hear things that make us feel good, but we also know when it's not true.

5.  You're just glowing!
Even though I do feel like I've glowed through most of my pregnancy, I got this one last Monday after I had a stomach bug most of the weekend and Daddy had already told me that he could tell by the look on my face that I was sick.  Dark circles, no color, that distant look that said my brain was elsewhere...well, maybe I was glowing some way or another...

6.  You're just so cute!
At some points, yes, I think I look cuter pregnant than not.  At others, like when my hair hasn't been washed and I've worn the same sweater 3 days in a row and I don't have on makeup...not so much.

The Stress Factor.  The last thing we pregnant women need to be reminded of is how ready we aren't.  Some people may have no problems with these statements.  I, the procrastinator, do.

7.  Is the nursery ready?
Nope, still piles of trash from new baby gear in the floor.  Still toys in the crib.  Still junk piled on the changing table.  He's gonna sleep in a shoebox beside the bed (I told my grandmother, Mama Pat that one just to get a rise out of her even though it wasn't true.  Mama Pat is usually asking for us to get a rise out of her). 

8.  I bet you're ready to have him.
See above.  Plus, no, I've never changed a diaper and is anybody ever ready for sleepless nights?  Am I ready to push a watermelon out of my body?  In all honesty, I'm ready to have my little boy here to hold.  What else I'll do with him, I don't know.  I'm still mildly terrifed of babies.  Right now, he's still snug and warm and doesn't need anything.  I feel like he's grown so independent in the past months, squirming and kicking by his own free will.  Then he'll be born and be completely dependent on someone else to take care of him.  It's kind of scary.

Let's Rephrase That.  These are honest, I-care-about-you questions that I'll just rephrase when I ask another pregnant woman in the future.  It just makes me feel like I'm letting people down when I answer some of these because I'm bursting their assumptions.  I know that's probably all in my head.

9.  You're miserable, aren't you?
No, not miserable.  I'll rephrase to say, "Have you reached the miserable point yet?"

10.  Are you excited?
One of my friends who had a baby 6 months ago clued me in to this one.  And it kind of got funny at that point.  She said pregnant women are supposed to remain in a constant state of excitement evidently.  I'll rephrase, "I know this is an exciting time for you!"  

Misc.  I don't know how else you would ask these questions, but they kind of make you want to print out business cards to hand out to answer these questions.  They're usually rapid fire too.

11.  When are you due?  Do you know what it is?  Have you picked out a name?  First one?  Have you been sick?  Natural delivery or drugs?

Then finally for good laughs, there are the memorable statements.  The things that I've only heard once.  But the things that have made me have to turn around and laugh at times.  These I didn't mind hearing.

Me:  I just thought you would want to know that Dr. Pat (my Daddy) is going to be a Grandpa!
Patient:  Oh my goodness!  That's so exciting!  Wait...it is you and not Sam, right?  (Sam is my unmarried brother who is still in college.)

Patient 2:  (Looking at my belly) Whoa!  What have you been doing?
Me:  Probably what you're thinking about.

Mama Pat:  (Hollering across the church.  Thankfully it was mostly empty.)  Evan's getting seduced on the 17th.

A close friend of my Daddy's:  I wanted to tell your dad what the worst part about being a Grandpa is.
Me:  What's that?
Friend:  Having to go to bed with Grandma.

(Before we found out it is a boy)
Daddy:  We haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, but I guaratee you, it'll be born naked.

If I think of anything else, I'll write it down later.  It's amazing the emotions and inhibitions that pregnancy breaks down.  You find yourself telling friends things you never thought you'd say.  And close friends, especially those who are also pregnant, get even more of an earful.  It's also amazing what other people will say to you.  I find out new things everyday it seems.  There are a million things that nobody tells you about until you get pregnant.  It's like it's some big secret and if you tell it before a woman gets pregnant, she won't ever get pregnant.  Which I find to be rubbish because most people have more than one baby.  They know the secrets and still got pregnant again. 

If there's anything else you'd like to add to make me laugh, just leave me a comment.  I'm always up for pregnancy stories!